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What's in The Mother's mailbag ~ 2007

In the mailbag of TM23 - 2007

Primal Mothering Centre For Northern England

As The Mother magazine is one of the best centres of communication in our mothering community, I thought you'd like to know about a new project that is about to happen in the North West (of England). I'm collaborating with Michel Odent to open a Primal Mothering Centre in Kendal, Cumbria. This will hopefully coincide with the launch of his new Primal Mothering database. The centre is going to be a weekly or fortnightly meeting to CELEBRATE pregnancy and sing together - just like Michel Odent offered in his maternity unit in Pithiviers. It will be a chance for pregnant and not-yet pregnant women, as well as mothers of babies, and families to get together; meet each other, meet independent midwives and doulas, learn about joyful, trouble-free pregnancy and the optimal conditions for peaceful childbirth with no intervention - all the things Michel Odent writes about. We'll also have sessions covering Attachment Parenting themes, such as sling wearing, cloth-nappy using, co-sleeping, and so on, as well as breastfeeding information and support. I'm trying to organise a book stall, and we'll also have the juicer to hand for fresh organic juices. So basically, it's a group for singing, meeting and learning. We haven't got a fixed date for when it will start, but the plan is for some time in the Summer, or early Autumn. I'm very excited about it, and hope it generates some uplifting and sacred energy in the void left by the industrialised childbirth machine. I'd love to hear from anyone who is interested in coming along in any capacity. Please get in touch with me at vicky@phonecoop.coop or by phone (01524) 276402

Blessings to all,

Vicky Sherrard

I read with interest and delight Patrick Houser's Following Cave Man Instincts: why men are still needed to protect women at birth (TM22).

It's a vital message my husband and I continually work at getting across.

When I was pregnant with our first child, my elder (an amazing, spiritual lay midwife into whose hands my second child was born) talked with my husband about the importance of protecting the birth space. I can remember getting a bit uppity about her advice. I didn't need a man to protect my space, and anyway, his role was to be there for me and them for practical things if necessary.

However, from then on, we observed the wisdom in her words. In every story of unnecessarily traumatic birth - and let's face it, there are certainly plenty of those! - it was because the sacred birth space was not protected and truly safe. A woman needs to be totally vulnerable and open to be able to allow her baby a safe and gentle passage Earthwards. This space needs to be clear of anyone or anything that suggests, blatantly or subtly, that she can not birth without intervention.

For some women this means birthing alone. For some, a home birth allows control over many factors. Many more go into birth already so full of the belief that intervention is probable, they are prepared to risk not having a safe space by going into a birth centre or hospital. A very small minority need to be in hospital for genuine medical reasons.
In all of these situations it is possible to create that sacred, protected space (although significantly more challenging when entering a hospital setting). If the role of the woman is to be vulnerable and open, the role of protector needs to fall to someone else. Who better than the father?

However, it is well recognised, certainly within a hospital setting, that the father in the birth space generally ensures a quieter and more compliant birthing mother. Part of the reason for soaring intervention rates have been attributed to fathers in the birth space.
This is not to say that fathers shouldn't be there, or that they are men who bully their partners into being compliant, but that men are being consciously used as a tool to manipulate.
Who better to talk their beloved partner into accepting an unwanted (and mostly unnecessary) intervention than the father who hates seeing his wife in pain, suffering and difficulty, and who'd like to see her comfortable and smiling again? A man is hugely vulnerable to the suggestion that the health or life of his partner and/or baby are in immediate danger, and need action 'now'.

This applies to anyone else in the role of supporting the mother, and could equally be a sister or mother, a midwife or obstetrician. Fear and discomfort do not belong in the birth space.
Fathers (or anyone present at a birth) need to remember Patrick's quote: "Humanity cannot invent a drug that can work better than a mother can manufacture, or a knife sharper than her instinctual nature". This is the best way to protect that birth space.

Here are some other suggestions:

* Start at the beginning. Communicate with your partner thoroughly throughout the pregnancy. This is where you need to be vulnerable and open and explore any ingrained discomforts, expectations and fears.

* Find out as much as you can about the scope of normal birth from sources which know and understand NATURAL birth (i.e. eliminate most standard books from the shelf, and, for that matter, most of those people who make a living out of delivering babies - instead of allowing babies to birth).

* Listen to your partner. She is already opening and becoming more vulnerable, and even if she starts off with a strong understanding that she can birth this baby, she can be very sensitive to the very many, often very subtle, negative beliefs prevailing in our culture around birth.

* Get help and support with any big issues you or your partner feel may get in the way. They can, and need to be, worked through.

*I can not stress enough how significant it is to your birth to ensure both you and your partner feel absolutely comfortable with your primary care provider. If you don't, whatever it takes, change them.

* You may wish to consider enlisting a doula. A good doula will help prepare both you and your partner for normal birth, both before the event and during. She can be an enormous source of information and know where to look to fill in any gaps in your knowledge and understanding. She can help you adjust your beliefs around pain, suffering and difficulty, if necessary.

* A doula can also assist with shifts during birth, so that the mother-to-be always has someone alert and strong at her side.

* If you don't choose to have a doula, ensure another support person. Remember, sleep deprivation is used as an effective form of torture, to ensure compliance. So, as a father, lack of sleep is not conducive at this time. (From your partner's point of view, if she is well supported, the hormones should mostly carry her along).

* To protect that space, you may need to turn away untimely visitors, keep any unnecessary hospital personnel out of the room, diplomatically remove people from the birth space, and occasionally be prepared to dig deep into your cave man instincts and literally put yourself between your partner and any unwanted interference.

* Ensure the voice of the mother is heard at all times. She is ultimately the voice of the baby. In the rare situation the baby needs assistance, the mother will (continue to) communicate this with the greatest clarity. A note here, though, that it is important to recognise the difference between a mother genuinely asking for help and one who is simply having a particularly vulnerable moment or nearing transition. This is where a doula or midwife can be particularly useful, as they can more easily recognise these moments.

* Ensure there is someone available at particularly challenging moments to reflect back to the mother that she knows how to birth this baby, and that she can do it.

* Be prepared for a long, emotional, exhausting, exhilarating journey. The discomfort, inconvenience and lack of support during a long labour are often what create unnecessary intervention and surgical births.

* In the event of intervention being suggested, gather all the information available. This means ensuring you push for full disclosure on any negative effects and implications. All intervention carries risks. It is up to you and your partner to weigh those up. Ask: 'What do you want to do?', 'What if we do?', 'What if we don't?', 'How long have we got to decide?'.
* Physically clear the birth space so that you and your partner are alone and can centre and reconnect with yourselves before making any decision regarding intervention. Many a birth has been saved from unnecessary intervention by this simple act. As a wonderful NZ midwife says ~ "Never make a decision about your baby's future in public with your knickers down!"

* Remember, men, how vital and needed you are, even if you feel you can't help and your partner doesn't want you to touch her; even if she curses you, or needs you to leave the room a while, she absolutely knows you are there. She will feel your presence, love and protection.

*It's important to debrief after a birth, particularly one that went awry, and keep communication honest and open. It's the key to survival and preserving the joy as you begin your parenting journey.

Here's hoping your journey to fatherhood births within you strength, vulnerability, wisdom and love, at a level deeper than you have ever known before. Happy adventuring!

Emma Lewis, Melbourne, Australia

I have seen Extraordinary Breastfeeding on YouTube and have read the article online. I think it is an inspiration for Veronika to think so strongly of extended breastfeeding and what it has given her children. I enjoy watching it repeatedly due to the fact that I was never nursed as a child, and it's always been a wish for me to engage myself in something like this. Thanks for getting the word out!

Laura

I subscribe to The Mother magazine which I am thoroughly enjoying. I do have one comment, though, about an article. It talked about the advantages of breastfeeding on demand and meeting the needs of your new baby, including carrying, cuddling etc. She then went on to say that in this country there was a really high rate of thumb sucking, because babies weren't having their needs met.

My 16 month old was born at home in water, has been demand-fed all her life, still eats very little solid food and wakes several times in the night to breastfeed, and still sleeps with us for most of the night.

She was a high needs baby, and I did, and still do, carry her as much as she wants- which is less now, but was most of the time. She is therefore a totally attached child in all senses of the word. She is happy, confident and definitely knows what she wants! However, she has always sucked her thumb - in fact she was born with her hand up by her head (not great for me!), so I suspect she sucked her thumb even before she was born. She has always been an efficient eater (her choice, not mine) and that is still the case now. She also now chooses to feed while clutching and caressing a teddy bear or soft toy of some description. Again, her choice, not mine.

I would agree that dummies may be an example of babies not having their needs met. However, I can't put thumb sucking into the same category as in my experience some babies suck their thumbs whether you spend 24 hours a day meeting all their needs or not!
I did have a moment when reading the article when I felt undermined, and that Natalie sucked her thumb because I hadn't been a good enough mother. I know in my heart that that isn't true and I would hate any other mothers to feel the same.

Thanks

Angela

Ed's reply: Thank you for your letter Angela. This is the piece you refer to:
Our culture has a high rate of thumb sucking and the use of dummies and pacifiers. Cultures which allow babies to nurse on-cue have no incidence of thumb sucking. When we meet the needs of our infants, they'll have no need to suck fingers, thumbs, artificial objects or even more sadly, to bang their heads, self-rock, body-rock or head-roll. Most humans would be horrified to see these actions occurring in animals kept in captivity. Yet why do we ignore it in our own children?

In hindsight, I should have covered the aspect of thumb sucking more thoroughly. Clearly you are a conscious mother who listens to her child.

Non-nutritive sucking

Ultra-sound scans show some babies suck their thumbs in utero. Once born, however, children suck their thumbs as a form of self-soothing. Sometimes it begins in order to satisfy physical discomfort, such as teething or ear ache. Regardless of its origin, it's symptomatic of a baby/child using it to meet an unmet need.

Breastfeeding advocates put so much focus on nutrients in breast milk and how they build up the immune system, that non-nutritive sucking is routinely overlooked and usually misunderstood.

Many mothers finish the breastfeeding session when the child's tummy is full. This is unique to western culture and even among women who practise attachment parenting. Putting breastfeeding in the category of food misses out half the picture as it is an important bonding time ~ and sucking for pleasure is vital for optimal well-being.

Non-nutritive sucking is a very misleading expression (no pun intended). Our children receive abundant nourishment and sustenance from sucking on an *empty breast. It allows the child to study your face, an aspect of bonding vital to our healthy sense of well-being. Our child, by engaging in so-called non-nutritive sucking, isn't wasting time, or as some people wrongly suggest, 'just using us as a dummy'. He's developing non-verbal communication, learning to trust, and receiving the love hormone, oxytocin.

Unfortunately, our society doesn't recognise the necessity of sucking, despite the widespread consequences of generations being deprived of the experience in childhood. It's a huge developmental need for every human being.

As breastfeeding mothers, we can learn from the cultures I mentioned in my article to which you've referred. By putting our baby back on the 'empty' breast and allowing them to suckle, we provide the opportunity to meet this need. Every child is different, and some will need to suckle more than others. The nurturing which occurs in a breastfeeding relationship allows our children to flourish. Through non-nutritive sucking we offer company, security, bonding and the release of positive hormones.

So yes, we may have breastfed on demand (though ideally, on cue), but unless we have allowed our child to suckle afterwards for comfort, rather than milk, it is possible we've not fully met their suckling needs. Does this make you or I bad mothers? No. However, a mother who knows about this sucking need and chooses to parent optimally might wish to reconsider how she sees breastfeeding. I hope this clarifies your concerns Angela, and also for any other mother who felt invalidated. Thank you for raising this important topic.

* The term empty refers to a breast where milk has been withdrawn. They are never truly empty during lactation.

Just a very quick note to say THANK YOU! for yet another great issue of my most valued magazine. Issue 21 was a real treasure from cover to cover ~ especially the article of the punk-looking boy who defied all 'They' said; and the articles about vaccinations, or rather why not to vaccinate, really touched me.

My daughter Freija is not vaccinated and I find it so helpful and encouraging to read these articles. The part that told of how the writer dealt with measles in her child was very re-assuring too, and I'm hoping more of these bits of information will come on all the 'scary' dis-eases others vaccinate against (they think). I feel strong not to vaccinate, but unsure on how to act when one of those illnesses may come along. Info on how to recognise and treat the condition harmoniously within my child's body would really give me great back-up.
I look forward to the next issues already!

Enjoy the sunshine,
Love,

Muur

I subscribed to your magazine a few years ago, and since then have been through some life changes which have lead me to lose the real me.

I am rediscovering my path and know the thoughts and wisdom of your magazine are those which, in my heart and soul, I need to be living by and following. We all need a few nudges in the right direction to help us blossom, and I know from your magazine the things I believe in shine brightly. Thank you, I look forward to receiving my issues.

Alison

Just read the last issue in one long breath and feel inspired and uplifted again as usual. I have the feeling I'm getting to know you all better and more.

I enjoy reading the articles and then also seeing pictures of the Robinsons and Art of Changers, telling my hubbie "look this is the guy who wrote the book I gave you for your birthday".

I found the article about the Continuum Concept good, as it came to the same conclusion as we have done. Freija was not interfered with when in the womb. I told her that she could decide whether to stay and that she is welcome in what ever shape she decided to come to us.

Trusting she knows best with regard to sleeping and eating can be tricky, but I'm learning all the time that 'you can't push the river' and when I listen to that, lo and behold, Freija starts to do things like 'the other kids out there' do, too. In her own way, of course.

I do sometimes find the lack of a community hard, but Adam and I, together with Nana and uncle John, and some acquaintances at playgroups, have created a kind of community around Freija now, which she enjoys a lot.

She also has one from my family and friends in Holland which are always close in mind through a photobook, visits and phone. Now she is getting a bit older (20 months), I sense she feels they are with her all the time in a way.

Looking forward to being with you curled up on the settee again soon!
Love,

Muur, Norwich

I believe so very much in the Mother. I feel a high need to share it, especially in this small town and area I have moved to. The nearest birthing facility is 40+ miles away, and the other way, over 100 miles. This tells me something huge on the high scale of new mothers being afraid to go into labour, and makes me wish I could spread the word of natural, home birth and personal empowerment for the peace of mind these mothers need!

Cassie Sala

Idaho, United States of America

I do get a lot from reading TM. Some of the articles I find challenging and I don't always agree with what I'm reading. Many of the articles I find really useful and inspiring. What keeps me reading is a sense of rightness and a feeling of nourishment from the magazine... and no I don't eat it!! I particularly liked the recent article about tetanus; very good, well researched information which has answered my question about whether we will vaccinate against tetanus. You've guessed it! Thanks for all the work that goes into the magazine, especially to you Veronika for sticking it out through what must have been a tough patch.

Best wishes,

Keren Brynes MaClean

Veronika ~ I have just watched the documentary on New Zealand tv and want to e-mail you my support and congratulations on a wonderful article in The Mother magazine. I am a La Leche League leader and breastfed my first child for one year (when I didn't know better) and my second child till she was three and a half, when she suddenly said, "I'm not going to have Mummy's milk any more" and that was the end of that. I totally agree with everything you say and just wanted to share that with you. You seem like a beautiful family. Take care,

Lisa Ross, Hibiscus Coast, New Zealand

Great magazine. I am a NZ midwife and find your magazine very refreshing. I home-birthed both of my children.

Karene Clark, New Zealand

I always have a lovely feeling of excitement and anticipation when the latest issue is delivered. Love reading the regular columns as well as thought-provoking articles and other readers' experiences.

I just loved Rachel's Diary of a semi conscious mother. Her opening paragraph about watching Trisha made me laugh out loud - and made me feel less guilty for slipping the occasional Take a Break magazine in with the Guardian at the newsagent (at least I am honest).

It was fascinating reading your article on the Continuum Concept. I have come across references to the book before, when reading some of Deborah Jackson's excellent books (Three in a bed and Letting go as children grow). I now will try to read Jean Liedloff's original book.

The feature on page three is always guaranteed to make me cry, and also serves to offer valuable and humbling advice on living life in a more loving and positive way.
If there are any readers in the High Wycombe, Bucks area (UK) I would love to get in touch and meet up. I am at a.c.baughan@sky.com
With every good wish and lots of love and thanks - what a fantastic issue.

Andrea

I just wanted to offer a couple of tips for taking care of those hard-working pregnant goddesses in the most natural way. The first idea I found out myself during my first pregnancy. The second was given to me by my wonderful friend and doula Monika, and it was so good that I plan to fill up the freezer in preparing for my second arrival!

Skin care during pregnancy

To prevent the skin of your belly being itchy, massage it regularly in a clockwise motion with a rough towel or an exfoliating glove, depending on how sensitive/tough your skin is. You can do this under the running water of the shower if using a glove, or after the shower with the towel. To help avoid varicose veins, you can run cold water over your legs for a few minutes after a hot shower.

Arnica sanitary towels for after the birth

Ingredients and equipment:

• 1tbsp arnica essence
• ¼ litre of cold water and a container
• 10-15 maternity pads, preferably without a plastic waterproof layer to allow breathing
• rubber gloves

Method: mix the arnica with the water in the container, and soak the pads in the mixture. Wearing the gloves, press the pads as flat as possible, squeezing most of the water out. Freeze them with cling foil between them so that they don't stick.

How to use: take a pad out of the freezer and soften for a couple of minutes and put it in your pants for as long as it is cold, or longer if desired. It is excellent to help bruises and tears and the coolness feels yummy!

With love,

Maira

Ed's note: In order to prevent tearing, bruising or discomfort during birth, try labouring and birthing in water, as it softens and relaxes the labia, making for easier childbirth. A hands-free birth, that is, no-one touching the vagina, minimises tearing of the skin and flesh. By birthing in water, it acts as a support to the baby's head and the mother's skin.

Finally, Extraordinary Breastfeeding screened on television here in Aotearoa last night. What a wonderful thing! I hadn't realised how lonely I had been for other women who were also feeding their children as they were meant to be fed. Sure, there are plenty breastfeeding newborns at Homebirth Association meetings over here, but toddlers and four year olds at the same time, wherever and whenever they want? No way!

I was reminded why I do what I do, and as the documentary finished I felt I had not just been vindicated for my choices, but celebrated for them.

I realise this is old news for all of you over in the U.K, but for me it was a special and timely gift. Thank you and your family for your courage and honesty.

Arohanui, Andrea, Palmerston North, New Zealand

In the mailbag of TM21 - May/June 2007

As usual you are to be congratulated on your inspiring magazine. It warms my heart, lifts my spirits, challenges me to go further and supports me in my everyday attempts at being the best mother/person I can be, while reminding me there are many others on a similar path.
While I love most of the content of the Mother, I want to say I have found Naomi Aldort's column particularly helpful. Several of her articles have helped me to make a real difference to our family's life - sometimes in a small, but practical way and sometimes in a quite profound way.
Naomi's first article helped me to be more accepting of my son, whose behaviour I had been finding quite difficult to deal with, and brought a new level of peace to our relationship. And a later article about helping a toddler out of nappies prompted me into developing communication with my youngest daughter about using the toilet and potty. She was 16 months at the time, and stopped wearing nappies in the daytime by eighteen months, and at night-time a few months later. It has been very gentle and Rosana has been keen to cooperate most of the time - we had none of the toddler battles with nappies I remember with the older kids. Stay powerful and keep on inspiring. Love to you and your family,
Gemma, PS I loved the recent recipes too!

I have just excitedly read TM, which arrived yesterday, un-put-downable as usual! The article by Rachel Bee on the Montessori Approach was especially interesting as our eight month old Robert is experiencing Montessori methods at home with me. I have become very interested in it since he was about 5 months old and have read widely, as well as setting up a Yahoo chat group (infantmontessoriuk) where parents, carers and teachers of infants using or interested in the Montessori approach can chat, share ideas, offer advice and discuss how they use it in their home or group setting. Anyone can join at infantmontessoriuk@yahoogroups.com. I look forward to chatting to lots of people.
Regards, Elaine.

Dear Veronika, I just wanted to write and say thank you so much for your editorial in the last edition of The Mother. My eldest daughter is almost 11 and we are going through many of the issues you described.

I think back to my beautiful, chubby toddler, and wonder where the years have gone, but am so proud of my blossoming daughter, and at the same time so worried for all the teenage heartache I know is to come.

I recently subscribed to your magazine again after a couple of years break, and am so glad I did. Well done on a fabulous magazine.
Love, Jeanette

You are my lifeline to a new consciousness around parenting. May The Mother thrive as this consciousness spreads.
Ali

I would like to say that The Mother has been a great support to me as I travel down this alternative road. It makes me feel I am not alone in making conscious decisions about mine & my children's lives. I felt out on a limb with my first child but felt much stronger within this 'community' with my twins. Swimming against the tide can be tiring but it's easier with company. Love to Elizabeth who opened this whole world up to me.

Thanks to the Art of Change for keeping this supportive, educating, extending & questioning publication alive & thriving.
Caroline

The Mother is such a beautiful and natural magazine. I love reading it and my daughter Rosie loves seeing the pictures of the babies. With love peace and thanks.
Claudine

Dear Veronika, I read with interest your article that was reprinted in The Compleat Mother magazine and that led me to get a subscription to The Mother UK.
Now I have two favourite magazines. I do a little happy dance every time an issue arrives! I would love to see the video of the show about full term breastfeeding.
I think you set an important example and are doing important
work. I think more people would follow their heart's desire when it comes to their children if they knew they weren't the only ones feeling this way.
Wishing you all the very best now and in the future.
Most sincerely,
Sylvia

Ed's note: For those who missed the documentary Extraordinary Breastfeeding in February 2007, some parts of it are now available worldwide, free, on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHRyRCHuQ7g

I know I'm late to this, since the Extraordinary Breastfeeding programme went out over a year ago, but I've just read your article about it on the Mother Magazine website and I wanted to say thank you for voicing the things I daren't say about breastfeeding.
When the programme initially went out a lot of people made comments to me about "did you see it?" "What did you think?' etc., and because my little boy was a newborn they seemed to think that a) I'd have a valid opinion because I was the acceptable face of breastfeeding, and b) I'd probably agree with them that it was okay for a baby, but not for a child.

The thing they didn't know was that at the time I was 'still' breastfeeding my 2½ year old and I was one of *those* women from the programme.
Over a year later... I'm still tandem nursing. A year later... other than my husband and really, really close friends, people still don't know that's what we do.
I wish I had your confidence to stand up and say 'this is what I believe and I'm standing by what I believe'. You are an inspiration. Thank you.
Sarah

I feel validated and supported as a mother by your magazine.
Caroline

In the mailbag of TM21 - March/April 2007

I love what you have been doing with The Mother. What a powerful force you have become….so much good work and now six times a year!
Love,
Jody McLaughlin
Publisher, The Compleat Mother, USA
www.compleatmother.com

Dear Barry and Winnie,
Thanks for taking on the publishing duties. As a TM magazine fan I'm really grateful. I agree ~ you just can't curl up in bed with a computer screen, or pass it on to friends in quite the same way.
Love
Katy Taggart

I love the magazine. I haven't had any children, yet(!), but your magazine gives me hope and strength that when I do, I'll be informed enough to make my own choices, and somewhere out there, are people who feel the same, though I wonder already what a fight I will have to stay with my convictions here! I hope you always have whatever is needed, to keep up this vital work, Best wishes,
Hester Whittaker, Galway, Ireland

I wanted to say a massive thank you to The Mother for two inspirational articles (issue 20) that have particularly helped me.

As a Local Contact for Education Otherwise, I spend a lot of time talking to new home educating parents, or those who are considering taking their children out of school - usually due to serious psychological and emotional trauma experienced at school. Much of what I find myself saying to them is about how to set their children - and themselves - free from the burdens of all the "normal", orthodox thinking about what education truly means, and how children really need to be spending their time.

Tish Clifford's article, Let Divinity Out To Play, resonated deeply with everything I ever try to communicate to people, but more than that, it articulated even deeper feelings that I was not yet having the courage to voice. Thank you so much Tish for giving coherence and expression to thoughts I was not able to bring fully into my consciousness. They are now completely in my awareness, and will be going out there to help and inspire those families who may seek my help in the future. You have given me so much courage to speak the truth and say what so needs to be said.

Secondly, I would like to thank Emma Lewis and Veronika for their double feature on babies and crying. Again I found myself gaining clarity on thoughts that had not properly surfaced into my awareness. I attended a (rare in the UK) talk by Aletha Solter a couple of years ago, and was very impressed by her approach which struck me as compassionately insightful for a culture that is terrified of emotion, that is, to respond to childhood tears, rage and tantrums with a calm and loving presence which allows them full expression of "negative emotions", as our society regards grief and anger.

However, there was a niggle at the back of my mind all the time, which I couldn't articulate. This niggle would get louder every time I heard an infant wailing in the supermarket, or screaming on an aeroplane, and I passionately wished that we lived in a culture where the mothers understood that putting their babies' needs first would negate the need for all that distress.

These two articles helped me realise that my niggle was a growing conviction that babies did not need to cry at all if their needs were met. It's so easy to get derailed from your gut feelings and instincts by impressive intellectuals who use well-reasoned arguments that cause us to shut down our hearts, and listen to our minds instead. And often these experts can be partially right; as in Aletha Solter's recommended treatment of crying/raging - yes, as Veronika says, for adults. Yet so utterly wrong for babies and young children. So, thank you again. This new level of conviction will help me so much in my work of helping others.

Winnie Durdant-Hollamby, Forest Row, UK

In the mailbag of TM20 - Jan/Feb 2007

The Mother reminds me of all the good things in life, even when I don't agree with it all. As a man it is essential reading.

PS - I loved the story in the Art of Change about the house move. Inspiring.
Brandon Scott-Omenka

Keep up the good work.
Leda Skeens

Anyone interested in contacting a fellow reader - single, child of 4 - it would be great to hear from you!
Miss J A Stone
C/O The Mother, PO Box 441, East Grinstead, West Sussex, RH18 5DH

Hi Veronika, as you know I don't come on the computer much these days, but I do read your blog each week.

What you have done for us earth mothers is give us courage and strength. There are many moments I think of you and your ability to stand up for truth, and I always feel nourished by it.

It's like the witch-hunts all over again, with fear penetrating many alternative mothers' hearts.

Your roar is heard loud and clear, and serves as an inspiration, as well as being protective.
Tish Clifford, Cornwall, UK

RE: 'Food Is Nuts'

Thanks (again) Shazzie, for inadvertently prompting me to write, with your article 'Food Is Nuts', TM # 19. I thought The Mother readers may be thoroughly depressed, and slightly amused, by one of my experiences with a dietician. I was doing some work with student midwives, role-playing as part of their exams, along with a handful of other women. At morning tea-break, the conversation turned to breastfeeding - well, mainly weaning young babies off breastfeeding. I was in a situation where I felt I needed to be a little careful with what I said, as I still had to work with these women all afternoon.

When a number of the mothers were supporting each other in their decisions to wean completely from the breast at about 6-8 months, I did conservatively mention the WHO guidelines. In reply to this, one woman stated categorically that of course babies in developed countries could get "all they needed from food after the first six months" (as opposed to breastmilk)!

At this point I decided to (unusually) bite my tongue and wander outside to enjoy the cool air and views. It felt too huge a topic to cover in the remaining few minutes, and my gut feeling was that none of the women wanted to hear otherwise (I'm sure they knew otherwise in their hearts).
Imagine my horror at the lunchtime break when we were gifted a specially prepared meal to thank us for our assistance, and the same woman said what a wonderful meal it was as it covered all the main food groups - at which point, I was officially introduced to this woman as the Polytech's dietician! She was the one teaching healthy eating for pregnancy to the student midwives - and she didn't even understand the value of her own breastmilk for her eight-month-old baby, who she had just 'successfully weaned'! I would have thought it was a basic, intrinsic requirement for the training of dieticians…? Surely? In the absence of being able to sideline this woman on her own at this particular event to confront her about this (although I was absolutely gob-smacked and speechless), I made a few enquiries amongst the student midwives and new midwives, and discovered that no-one really paid much attention to her anyway, as she had recommended they encouraged any teenage clients to eat lots of ice-cream! The hierarchy of the Polytech didn't think it was any big deal! On a slightly different angle, Shazzie mentioned chewing nuts up for her daughter to eat. I would like to nudge mums to retune into our not-so-distant knowing. Parents, forever and everywhere, did not simply chew food for their young while they awaited the invention of the blender. They did it because babies need food passed from the mouth of their parent, as they initially do not have the full enzymes available to fully digest their food - until it is introduced from their parents' mouths! This age-old and fail-proof method, of course, goes down a treat at dinner parties (and probably at dietician and dental conferences). "Reassess all you have been taught. Dismiss what insults your soul".

Emma Lewis, Melbourne, Australia

What an inspirational magazine! I am expecting my first baby and studying a herbal medicine degree - TM is always a source of useful information which I find well researched and correctly referenced. It is helping me to prepare for my baby, and broaden my ideas and approach in my herbal training. Thank you.
Becky Pocock, Notts,UK

We've started a little group called Bumps, Babes and Boobies (BBB) which meets 10:30-12:00, the last Friday of the month in St Francis Community Centre, Chalford Road, Newall Green, Manchester M23.
It's for women planning a natural birth and/or breastfeeding mothers. Toddlers and older children welcome. We charge £1 per family to cover the room rent. It also has a little e-group running alongside it for members to discuss things. Maybe you could give it a little plug in TM and some more like-minded women will come out of the woodwork!
Gillian Hall, Manchester, UK

I hope you are doing well. I so enjoy reading your Saturday tea journal! I sincerely look forward each week to reading your insights and opinions. Thank you for putting your thoughts 'out there' for us to read.
I want to let you know I'm doing some counselling work with Naomi Aldort over the phone (late at night!!), and so is my husband.
We have our first joint session next week, so we're early into working with her but so far, she is such an amazing counsellor.
Since she has advertised in your magazine and writes a column, I thought you would like to get feedback from people who work with her.
Her approach is radically different than any therapeutic work I've done in the past (and I think I've nearly done it all). It is really transforming for me, and I'm very grateful to be introduced to Naomi through reading your magazine.
I look forward to more counselling with her.
Hannah Beadle, UK

I was just thinking what a small price to pay for such a wonderful magazine as 'The Mother' ~ the contents of which are priceless!
Please continue your amazing 'work' like you have in the past year, never failing to deliver a more than worthwhile read!
With love and gratitude,
C Caselli

I would be very interested to know if any readers have adopted a flexi learning education approach whereby their child goes to school and is home educated a few days a week. I have been wanting to home educate my older daughter for the past two years and finally found a compromise. It's not ideal, but it is in the right direction and the school is very supportive.
Caroline, Chepstow, UK caro.st@virgin.net

I am a new reader of The Mother and I'm so pleased and relieved to have found this source of support and inspiration. I would love to meet any other TM readers who live in my area and fancy meeting up for a chat.
Elena Norman, Haywards Heath, W. Sussex, UK
E-mail: toyswillbetoys@xln.co.uk

A New Book on Full / Long-term Breastfeeding

Ann Sinnott, whose daughter self-weaned when she was six and a half, is writing a book to expose and challenge the myths and prejudices that surround the essentially-healthy practice of sustained breastfeeding.

To be published by Freedom Association Books, www.fabooks.com (they also publish Michelle Odent), the book will be aimed at both health professionals and mothers.

Ann is seeking mothers who are / who have breastfed long-term for a study she is carrying out. If you would be willing to participate please contact her at: ann.sinnott@googlemail.com.

I have been reading The Mother magazine cover to cover, but before I reached the end, a thought occurred to me. Even though I try to keep things in my home as natural as possible with food and taking care of our health and such, there is so much I don't know. As I make a mental note of which books to acquire, and try not to go broke doing it, I realise there is a more urgent matter at hand that has really been bothering me, and has left us feeling rather helpless.

Our son has a hydrocele which was diagnosed at St George's Hospital by doctors who seemed quite an authority on the matter. Now, not that I'm trying to knock their knowledge, but I feel a bit depressed that they have informed us of his impending surgery to correct this problem, as otherwise it will cause him further problems as he gets older.

They also informed us that as he is past the age of two, there is no chance of it going away by itself. He is now on the NHS list to be operated on in the next six months.

We are so disturbed that our son, who has not had any needles of any kind come anywhere near to him, will be subjected to general anaesthetic and cut open to have his body interfered with by foreign objects and strangers' hands; and knowing those hands belong to professionals does not ease my heart either.

In our desperateness we foolishly paid a private doctor to give us a second opinion, which only resulted in the same answers, and took another stitch out of our pocket. So, we are not any better off, but left with resignation that the operation is inevitable.

They tell us they do this all the time and it is such a simple procedure. I always feel like laughing in the face of such people as I am reminded of being 19 and having a fibroadenoma removed from my left breast. I was told exactly the same words. Lack of communication, lots of pain, very unpleasant infection later (through lack of communication between doctors and nurses). I am left with a rather large scar, which ended up being the very spot that developed mastitis in the first month after my son was born, and always seems to be the very place that gets blocked ducts.

Through the years, my faith in the National Health Service has really been destroyed, as I have suffered numerous times unnecessary pain and grief in their hands. I have no wish to hand my son over to them, and in all honesty even if I had the money to have his operation done privately, my gut tells me it is wrong. We must find an alternative way for his body to fix and heal itself. So far I have tried homeopathy, but it has not worked. I don't know which way to turn. This is a plea, really, to anyone who may have the knowledge to enlighten me on this matter, so we can proceed with the confidence of having made the right choices for our son. I will be eternally grateful to anyone who can give guidance.
Meltem Konkin, meltemablak@hotmail.com

I want to thank you for your blog and the gift of The Mother, truly wonderful voices at a time when the world seems to have gone crazy. You always say what I am thinking but cannot articulate!

I was especially touched by Shazzie's article which brought back memories of when my son Hari was ill with rickets during his second year. He's three now, and thriving, but for ages (almost all of last year) he was on phosphate and vitamin d replacement therapy. For a long time they were investigating whether the cause was nutritional or genetic, since I was deficient too. In the end they concluded it was probably nutritional and that he had insufficient vitamin d in utero and then during his first year of life. With hindsight, I realise that I was living the grind when pregnant, and then after he was born I suffered from postnatal depression, and hardly ever went out. That, coupled with a strict Gina Ford schedule to help me cope, including sleep schedules and black-out curtains, meant that my poor Hari hardly saw the sun. No wonder he developed rickets! I'm so glad I found The Mother to teach me another way of mothering. Needless to say I ditched Gina Ford, but by then Hari was one and the damage was done; but oh my goodness, how far we have come since then! The point I want to make is that during the whole of Hari's treatment (almost a whole year!), which involved numerous trips to Great Ormond Street Hospital and lots of advice from consultants and dieticians, where I was subjected to the type of dialogue Shazzie describes, not once did anyone tell me to get my child out into the sunlight! All they seemed hell bent on doing was to try and stop me breastfeeding, and not only did they advocate cows' milk but they also suggested crisps, cakes and other junk food to fatten him up! I can't believe the crap advice I was given. Nutritional rickets is caused by lack of sunlight, not a diet deficient in junk. Needless to say, I was stubborn enough to ignore the nutritional advice. I wish I'd been able to argue back as well as Shazzie. It was heartening to read how she reacted in the dietician's office.

However, I am a stubborn person and I was strong enough to carry on nurturing my child unconventionally, but it was so damn hard, and I felt so guilty most of the time and the fear that perhaps I was giving my son a suboptimal diet and the fear that Hari would never walk ~ well, let me not even go there. And I was alone and pregnant and fighting the world. My mother even refused to be in my company because she feared that I had deformed Hari by carrying him in a sling. I am so grateful for The Mother magazine which gave me the support I needed and my local home birth group too, so that by the time Amba was born (home/lotus/waterbirth, but that's another story!), Hari was almost cured and I knew without a doubt what I needed to do. Thank you for last year's camp. I came away with the determination to have a lotus birth ( I did!), to practise Elimination Communication (I am) and to do more camping. We've been twice this year and I love it. I am so much more relaxed and have to thank you.
As we say, "Jai Mata Di" ~ Victory to the Mother!'
Love and blessings,
Kalyani
PS. I'm thrilled TM is going bi-monthly!

Vedina and Felix are looking to meet any readers of the mother magazine in the London or surrounding areas for friendship, exchange of ideas and mutual support.

We have a 1 year old daughter, are aspiring raw fooders and would just like to meet others to share in the joys and challenges of natural instinctive parenting.

We can be reached through The Mother magazine: themother@artofchange.co.uk

Mothering Me

In March 2007 I will be leaving my partner and our two children behind to volunteer in Yaroslavl, Russia for one week.
So many people have called what I'm doing brave and selfless, but I don't feel either of these things. In fact, this is the most selfish thing I have probably done since having my daughter. Two of my passions which have more or less been hidden away since having children are travelling and volunteering. Going to Russia as a volunteer gives me the opportunity to do both of these things while fulfilling a very real need in me. I always knew I would travel and volunteer again when the children were older, but I reached a crisis point recently and I couldn't wait for them (or me!) to be older any longer...I simply had to do this now. It was time to do something I wanted and needed. It was time to turn my mothering inward and realise that I too needed nurturing and listening to.

I'll be based in either an Orphanage, a children's or a deaf children's home. I'll probably be doing a little teaching of English, maybe some basic cleaning duties...though the main thing is just to play and have fun with the children ...spend some time with them and provide some love.
The children, and my long-suffering partner, have been wonderful. I told them all individually what I was going to do, what I needed to do, and they have been nothing but supportive. My daughter, Chloe, at once said she would sell everything she owned to help me raise money! They have been as excited as if they were going to Russia; and indeed if this trip is successful then maybe next time they will be coming with me as Cross-Cultural Solutions (see explanation below) allows children as young as eight to accompany their parents.
I hope that doing this trip will inspire and influence my children to do similar things; at the very least we will find out more about Russia, in particular the children who live there. They have been made very aware how fortunate we are to live in a country where we have good food, clean water, heating and a roof over our heads; things that we often take for granted.

The children and I have also started to learn Russian (our four year old is the best at it - but don't tell anyone!) and I will start evening classes in a month. This trip is bringing us together in more ways than I thought possible ~ a delightful bonus.

Many of my friends and family have rallied round - I've had several donations and been overwhelmed by the kind words and support I've received. I will be going to Russia with a company called Cross-Cultural Solutions: http://www.crossculturalsolutions.org/default.asp

Cross-Cultural Solutions (CCS) is a not-for-profit volunteer organisation and a registered charity in the UK, which offers a programme that places volunteers in countries such as Brazil, China, Costa Rica, Ghana, Guatemala, India, Peru, Russia, Tanzania, and Thailand for a variety of community development projects. CSS's mission is to operate volunteer programmes around the world in partnership with sustainable community initiatives, bringing people together to work side-by-side while sharing perspectives and fostering cultural understanding.

CSS is a recognised leader in its field and sends thousands of participants overseas every year. CSS has been granted Special Consultative Status to the United Nations Economic and Social Council. Through this status, CCS is recognised as an expert in its field and may be consulted on economic and social issues by the United Nations.

The programmes are run solely by volunteer contributions, and therefore each programme has a fee. The fee for my one week programme, including all meals, lodging, travel medical insurance, and in-country transportation, totals £927, and does not include airfare to Russia.
To help fund my trip the whole family will be doing a 10 mile sponsored walk between our home town and a neighbouring one. I would also be very grateful for any donations. I can be reached at emma_sibley76@yahoo.co.uk. My progress can also be followed through my blog at http://russianhope.livejournal.com/ Thank you.
Emma Sibley, London, UK

I love The Mother magazine and was lucky enough to receive a gift subscription for Mothers' Day! This is the birth story of our daughter Stella. We would like to share a positive labour with the TM readers. I am constantly inspired by your readings/articles, and the first one (page 3) always make me cry, always. So beautiful. So touching to the heart.

We are due any day now for our second child and are very excited about having another magical natural birth, this time at our farm in Kaukapakapa. Thank you for sharing so much in your magazine with us all. Bless you and your family.
Anneke White, New Zealand

Ed's reply: Our page three piece is an antidote to the British tabloid newspaper culture of using page three to glamorise women's breasts as sexual objects only. The Mother's page three pieces are designed to open the heart before dipping even further into TM.

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